There’s a new trend: Broadcast my life! I am so interesting!

Now that everyone has the ability to, everyone feels the need  …no, the obligation to tell the world about every little thought they have and every bowel movement they make. No seriously, search for poo or bathroom on twitter, you’d be surprised. As I was telling my online nemesis @violetmae (who by the way doesn’t know is my nemesis yet), I don’t think there is enough interesting content/people to support a site like Twitter for much longer. And now, with the mainstreaming of Twitter, it will be overloaded with complete dribble. Everyone from McCain, who doesn’t know how to email, to your mom (…literally, your mom. I’m not trying to insult you) will be tweeting. It’s going to be a complete clusterf##k. Imagine if you got everybody’s Facebook status update in your newsfeed. That’s going to be Twitter. It’d be the same as Youtube taking over DirecTV …but worse! It’s 24/7 lolcats, old man rants, and fat people dancing!

Then the next step in the Twitter movement would have to be a Hulu equivalent, a more focused site that only has quality content on it. But we already got that; that’s fmylife. But now fmylife has gotten so popular, it has consequently gone to crap. Everyone with a keyboard thinks they’re funny and they’ve started gaming fmylife with fake posts, fake posts that aren’t even good! I tried to show my friend fmylife the other day and told him how funny it was. We went through two pages before we found something even mildly amusing. I was embarrased. Worse thing was, the post was obviously a fake. You’d need a whole cottage industry just to shift through the mess and aggregate what was worthwhile. And the sad truth would be, most of it wouldn’t be worth my precious time. Money, friends, online accounts …my time is the only thing I can’t make more of.

Here’s an even sadder truth: If you’re boring in real life, you’re probably more so on Twitter. If you’re an idiot in real life and have idiotic thoughts, Facebook status and Twitter just makes it easier for the rest of the world to realize this …which I guess in it of itself isn’t a bad thing. Then I can weed the idiots out of my life a lot faster. It use to take a while to figure out if a girl was a snotty clingy psycho. Now I can just look at her status history and I’ll know in moments she’s psycho when she has post like, “What is love? Will I ever know it? Why are all the guys I date 8554o735?” or “I was outside his apartment again lastnight. He says she’s his sister but I know he’s lying.”

But despite having it’s upshots, like the example mentioned above, as well as having a few innovative and productive ways to use Twitter, most won’t know how to use it properly and they will unfortunately overwhelm those who do. The messages of businesses like Dell and Kogi BBQ will only be a whisper on the Twitterscape drowned out by the noise of the illiterate masses vying for our attention. In fact, it would serve a business like Kogi better to have an API on their website that updated their current location than risk getting lost in #Kogi hell on Twitter with a bunch of crap reviews and unintended comments. Actually, they should already be doing that right now. For proof, just search #sxsw and you’ll get more  ”No, I’m not wearing green and no, you may not pinch me” than any substantial news. And these are suppose to be the pros!

To me, the only ray of hope is Facebook. The new Facebook UI is meant to be more like Twitter, and that’s smart. Because a site dedicated to tweeting alone isn’t interesting enough to keep my attention. Look at Friendster, it was about degrees of seperation. If it just stayed as that, no one would go there anymore. It had to evolve and that’s what Facebook is doing with its new frontend.  And as soon as Facebook offers the best features of Twitter, there will be no real use to tweet. Not only does Facebook offers so much more funtionality than Twitter, Facebook has way too big a lead on users for Twitter to make a dent. I already introduced people to Twitter by telling them it was like a stream of Facebook statuses, it just makes sense for Facebook to take over the Twitter world. Do I sense another buy out attempt? Probably not, Twitter should have seen this coming when Facebook tried to buy them out the first time. Either way, it is Facebook’s willingness to evolve and it’s ability to stay on the forefront of trends that will keep Facebook at the top of our browser history. A revolution is at hand, one that started with the Gutenberg Press and that is now culminating with sites like Twitter.  Mass publishing has been brought to the masses and just like any war, there will be collateral damage. It might serve us all to find a safe place to take cover until the whole thing blows over …oh who am I kidding, look to the right of your screen at the blue box and click the icon that says “Follow”.

I’ve already lived through the 80s once; and with all the neon colors designers are integrating into clothes this year, I’m having flashbacks every time I walk through a mall. It pains me, literally, to see a new generation making the same fashion mistakes we made in the 80s. Along with Flock of Seagull haircuts, neon colors should have been left in the last century. I have pictures of myself from the 80s and I cringe everytime I even think about my skate-or-die haircut with my bangs hanging down in front of my eyes and a gawdy neon print t-shirt bright enough to flag down an airplane if I ever got lost in the wilderness.  Now these poor kids are going through it again. They’re gonna regret their fashion choices in a few years when they look back  and say, “What the hell was I thinking?”  Now with the popularization of facebook, their pictures won’t just disappear into a box under their bed, they’ll be forever imortalized on the every present world wide web. Now it looks like their gonna make the mistakes of the 90s as well.

I caught this candid picture of a college girl at Office Depot in the San Gabriel Valley. (Please, no comments on me taking candid pics of young girls in public places) Anyway, notice the telltale red and black lumberjack plaid. Grunge was an anti-fashion movement that originated in the 90s Seattle music scene, that was popularized by bands like Nirvana and Pearl Jam, and characterized by its combination of plaid button downs with shorts or ripped jeans. Now it looks like this anti-fashion is becoming the latest trend for the uber-fashionable. According to this article from late last year ’90s Grunge Is Making a Comeback.

Despite attempts to be new and original, I think fashion is circular because when it gets too avant garde it becomes completely unrecognizable and then it’s just mistaken as having no taste at all. The way I see it, the trendsetters try to set themselves apart from the rest of the masses by wearing items that are on the edge of good taste. Then everybody else picks up on this, and wanting to be trendy but not too different, adopts items and trends that are recognizable with them, like trends from the past.  And every time a fashion era is recycled, it gets a slight update in some way, like with a more current cut or getting paired with more current accesories like the black tights and oversized purse of the chick in the picture above. In my completely unfashionable opinion, sometimes it works and sometimes you end up with the eye scorching color palette of the eighties. Next thing you know, we’ll be wearing Birkenstocks and Doc Martens again.

American Ninja

Ninjas and Pirates are played out. As an Asian, I’ve been obsessed with Ninjas since a kid. I even use to have a pair of throwing stars that I lost in my front yard and that subsequently destroyed the gardener’s lawn mower. I must have watched American Ninja like 300 times. And I’ve got to say, a white Ninja was really confusing to as an Asian child. But now I think our pop culture is getting over saturated with Ninjas and Pirates. There’s Ask a Ninja, Ninja this, and Ninja that. There’s even Ninja Warrior Challenge which in my opinion is really a game show based on Gymkata.

Gymkata

So lets try and change it up. My first thought was for Zombies but they’re starting to get played out too. They’ve got that app on Facebook and everything. Even more important, they just don’t have enough mythology behind them. Here are some other possibilities I mulled over: Witches and Wizards, Aliens, Legionaries, Mercenaries

American Gladiator

But of all the possible suggestions, I think Gladiators should be the next big thing. And I’m not talking about the American Gladiators dressed in tights kind. I’m talking about the hardcore kill or be killed, mixed martial arts masters from the past, brought in from around the world to train, fight, and kill each other. They’re steeped in a great mythology. They have a movie by the same name. And best of all, there’s enough variety in weapons so that fanboys won’t get bored and can have their own identity; if you’re black, your Gladiator could be from Africa, Asian from China, etc. Glatiators are the perfect next obsession. I therefore declare today to be National Gladiator day.

Leave a comment with additional suggestions!

sECret idENtities Cover

In honor of the new Asian American superhero comic sECret idENtites, I have decided to reveal my 5 quick and easy steps to becoming a real life Asian-American Superhero. As a child, I always wanted to be a superhero. And to a certain extent even right now with Batman Returns being such a hit, I get the craving to put on some tights, build a secret Lair, and yell at someone “We’re professionally through!” Anyway, I remember after watching the original Superman immediately climbing up on my roof with a trash bag, holding it like a cape, and jumping off. Spiderman on PBS inspired me to climb up the tallest jungle gym and jump to a lower rung like a spider. Indiana Jones had me grabbing a rope and jumping from tree to tree as I swung it like a whip.

…I did a lot of jumping off things as a kid. I guess what I’m saying is that maybe if I had an Asian superhero to idolize, I wouldn’t have gone to the emergency room as much. So for that reason alone, let me tell you a little bit about sECret idENtites.

This groundbreaking graphic anthology brings together leading Asian American creators in the comics industry—including Gene Yang (National Book Award finalist for American Born Chinese), Bernard Chang (Wonder Woman), Greg Pak (The Hulk), and Christine Norrie (Black Canary Wedding Special )—to craft original graphical short stories set in a compelling “shadow history” of our country: from the building of the railroads to the Japanese American internment, the Vietnam airlift, the murder of Vincent Chin, and the incarceration of Dr. Wen Ho Lee.Appealing to both comics fans and Asian Americans seeking to claim their place in American culture, Secret Identities makes brilliant use of the conventions of the superhero comic book to expose the real face of the Asian American experience.

Entertaining and enlightening, Secret Identities offers whiz-bang action, searing satire, and thoughtful commentary from a community too often overlooked by the cultural mainstream, while showcasing a vivid cross-section of the talents whose imagination and creativity is driving the contemporary comics renaissance.

The first story 9066 “centers around a Japanese American superhero who is sent into an internment camp after President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs Executive Order 9066 on February 19, 1942 in response to the attack on Pearl Harbor”. You can find out more about them on their website or you can drop them a comment at their MySpace page. They even have a preview on their website (PDF, 5.5 mb). And just like any other grassroots movement, they’ve made a YouTube video to get the word out to the masses. Check it out and pass it on. The book will be available in April 2009 — or you can pre-order your copy today on Amazon.com.

Now what you’ve all been waiting for, my 5 easy steps to becoming and Asian American Superhero:

1. Pick a power

No, being good at math is not a super power. I’m talking about getting a hold of some rare earth metal or meteor and getting some radiation poisoning. If I’ve learned anything from comics, getting radiation poisoning leads to superpowers. If for some reason, beyond my imagination, you can’t get your hands on radioactive materials, start thinking outside of the box. Maybe something closer to home that you have access to. …a talent or character trait that you can exploit …one that you can hone to a razor sharp edge. For instance, one year during college I was called Gas Man for my power to clear a room with my gas. I have also gone by Captain Save-a-Ho and Captain Cock-Block. Maybe you have heard of my good deeds.

2. Make a costume

When picking a costume, it is important to remember that this will become your identity. It will become the most recognizable aspect of your public profile. Your colors, they logo on your chest, they all come together to create your public image. Tights with your underwear on the outside is not only classic superhero but practical as well. With all the ass kicking and hair-raising experiences going on, you can be secure in the fact that you will never shit your underwear. But remember, you not only represent superheroes but Asians as well. So try to stay away from stereotypes such as a bowl hair cut. And if that bulge in your tights …is not so much a bulge but a lump, think of wearing a codpiece. Batman does it. Let’s try to not reinforce negative stereotypes.

Not X-Men but Y-Men

3. Get a Secret Identity

Luckily for us, a secret identity is not something we have to worry about. As we all know, all of us Asians look alike.

4. Get a secret Lair

This is an important but often overlooked step to becoming a superhero. Your lair is where you train. It’s where you do your research and more importantly do your much needed healing after long battles with your enemy who we define in step 5. You want it to be safe and for the most part impossible to find. For that reason, I have chosen a pho shop. Have you seen how many Pho restaurants there are in the San Gabriel Valley? Good luck finding that! And even if you do, open the secret door you have to sit at the right table with pull out the clean chopstick. Do you know how hard it is to find a clean chopstick in a Vietnamese restaurant? Hey, I’ve heard of more impractical things in comic books. “Look at me! I’m Superman. Now with my glasses on, look at me I’m Clark Kent. What a great disguise!”

5. Find an Arch Nemesis to fight, an injustice to right,  or a cause to champion

Finally, maybe the most important step to becoming a superhero, finding a great enemy. Your arch nemesis needs to be immediately revolting, an enemy that we can all despise and hate. Now this doesn’t have to be a real person. It’s actually easier to find weekly adventures if it’s not. It could be corruption, faceless corporate bullies, or some other sort of horrendous but relatable injustice. For instance, some of the personal adversaries that I have fought in the past have been: bad driving, eyes that don’t open all the way, and poor engrish. My current arch nemesis is taking a shot of alcohol without turning red.

So I say to you out there, good luck future Asian-American superheros of the future. The only caveat that is give is with great power comes great responsiblity. Please use this information only for good and not for evil.

From the SNL comic duo Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg that brought you Lazy Sunday and Dick in a Box comes Jizz in My Pants.

This song parody …songody? …parodong? This parodong aired on December 6, 2008 and although as funny if not more than the other two shorts, Jizz in My Pants still has not gained enough traction to receive the title of “viral”. I would argue that this has to do with Hulu’s clamping down on their videos being distributed through YouTube. Lazy Sunday and Dick in a Box did so much to bring buzz back to the long stale Saturday Night Live that if the execs over at NBC took their heads out of their asses for one minute, they’d realize that YouTube does more help than harm. I’m not even sure the above Hulu embed will still work by the time you guys are reading this. Hulu has been so inconsistent with their video libraries it’s ridiculous, one week a clip is up the other week it’s gone. Now they’ve even pulled out from Boxee.

The whole viral phenonmenon will not work if viewers feel like they are being tricked by NBC into being pawns for NBC’s overall marketing strategy.  There is a certain unspoken trust between sender and receiver; and as alruistic web denizens, we would rather not pass along unwanted advertizing to friends who trust us to not litter their inboxes with spam.